Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
