I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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