I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How external is "for external use only"?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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