I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
