my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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