I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
