Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
