How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
