i love accidental penises.
I am midnight drunk by noon
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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