im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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