Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
