I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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