next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
