My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
