my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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