Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
