Non-Jews are for practice
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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