The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
