im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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