i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
