do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
