I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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