The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
