i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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