Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
