I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
