I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
