Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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