Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
