Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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