Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
