Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
