I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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