What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
