in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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