You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
