pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
