Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
