I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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