i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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