he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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