first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
