Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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