I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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