Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No subtext here. People are naked.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
