6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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