Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
