I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
