somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
zippers are such a cool invention
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
