TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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