Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
They are going to name an STD after you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
