as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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