We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
as a side note pls kill me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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