My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
