"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
