my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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