It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
