Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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