Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
