Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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