go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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